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pianogirl3
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Name: Sarah
Birthday: 2/4/1990
Interests: My primary interest is living for my Lord. Others include, but are not limited to: Piano~classical music~history~politics~traveling the world!~Shakespeare~serving others~hanging out with friends~meeting new poeple~quotes from our forefathers~literature~
Expertise: ummm...I'll have to think about that one...
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/30/2005
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| "I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around. My faith in you was fading, when I met you on the outskirts of town. And I said, 'Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone. I keep waiting for you, but you never come. Is this in my head? I don't know what to think.'" | | |
| I've realized that when a person looks for the bad in life, they are sure to find it. There is certainly enough of it to go around. And when you spend your time looking at the bad, quite naturally you become pessimistic and discouraged. Why wouldn't you? All the hurt, the pain, the sickness, the unfairness of life...there are so many reasons to feel disheartened. It seems that all the good people get stuck with all the bad luck. And the bad people appear to get off scot free. How unfair, right? Yes, life is definitely unfair. But, is it really unfair in the way we think it is? I say not. Is it fair that although I've made tons of mistakes, my family and friends still love me and believe in me? Is it fair that while I am oblivious to how blessed I am, still more blessings are heaped upon me? Is it fair that an ungrateful girl like myself has plenty, when there are others that have nothing? No, it's not fair. It is extremely unfair. Yet, it is unfair in my favor. Is there really reason to complain? I have so much, and yet somehow I overlook it. Why is it so easy to see the bad, when all the good is staring you right in the face? Sure, there have been and will be hard times. Will it be unfair that they happen to me? No. Why should I expect a life of ease and comfort? It would be more unfair to go through life without problems. Everyone has difficulties, why shouldn't I? Yes, difficulties are simply a part of life, but so are good times. I dare say that my life will mostly be made up of good memories and fun times-if I so choose that is. Besides the circumstances themselves, my outlook and attitude determine a large part of how "difficult" my life will be. If I sat and counted all my struggles, all the things that seem unfair, I might be here for a little while. However, if I decided to count all the good things, all the wonderful times, I would be here all day. In fact, it would be quite impossible to list all of my blessings. Yes, life is unfair. I am blessed far beyond what I deserve. | | |
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Here it is, a brand new year. And with the ringing in of 2009, my mind has been occupied with thoughts of the last year and hopes for this one. I can't help but look over the past 12 months and see the ups and downs, the growth and the regression, the good times and the bad. I have learned so many things in the past year. Things of what to do, and what not to do; how to act, and how not to act; how to live, and how not to live. It would end in utter failure if I even dared to attempt to write all that took place in my life in 2008. I have met amazing people, experienced amazing things, and been amazing places.
A major highlight of this year was most definitely my trip to Korea. It is impossible to put into words what that trip meant to me. I learned independence, yet at the same time, I learned how dearly I needed my family, and more specifically, how much I still needed my parents' guidance. I learned Korean, and with that, I learned so much about how my own language works and how much I love it. I met amazing people, and my love for those I already knew was increased. I experienced a new culture, and became grateful for my own. I grew to love the Korean language, people, and culture. And also became appreciative of my own.
Another highlight of 2008 was my friends. During this year I learned who were my true friends, and who are just passing through my life. Friends can play such a pivotal role in one's life. And mine most definitely have. They have helped me in unbelievable ways. And I am extremely grateful to them for that.
In this year I have learned what it is to love...and to have lost. Such a complicated emotion love is. It will lead people to do something that, to everyone else's point of view, is wrong. But in the end, it all turns out right, because someone followed what their heart told them was right to do. Love. What an amazing, yet heart-wrenching, emotion.
This year I have been faced with many decisions. I came to many forks in the road. Unfortunately, I often made the wrong decision, chose the wrong path. At times I knew which path to take, but I chose the other. Why? Because of my own stubbornness, because of fear, because I looked to myself for the answers, because I simply believed I lacked the strength to do the right thing. I have learned that to make a decision or to act out of fear, is one of the most dangerous things a person can do. I hope that I have learned from my mistakes, grown through my failures, and become stronger as a result of my defeats.
I have many hopes and plans for this new year. I plan to graduate from college, greatly increase my knowledge of Korean, and either go back to Korea, or get ready to go to college for my masters. I also hope to grow as a person, become strong and secure, learn to make wise decisions, and live life to the fullest. Life is full of opportunities and joy, now if I can simply learn to embrace the opportunities and live out the joy in my life.
This is a brand new year. It is full of possibilities. Nothing has been set in stone. This is my year, to do with it as I please. My past failures and regrets, are just that, past. I can not go back and change them, but I can learn from them. The future has yet to be lived. I can change it. I can live it. I can make this year what I will, I can make this year the best of my life. It is a clean slate. It is up to me. Circumstances will come that I have no control over, but it will be my decision how I handle them and respond to them. My decision. This year...is my decision.
May I have the wisdom to see the truth, the guidance to make the right decisions, and the strength and resolve to do what is right.
May God truly bless us all in 2009. | | |
| I have so many thoughts running through my head right now. I can't concentrate on my studies, despite their sore need of my attention. Life sure seemed a lot simpler when I was younger. The biggest thing on my mind back then would be what Kevin and I were going to play when we finished our school work. Would we play with our playmobiles or would we play 'spies' outside? Not so now. My studies are never done. There's no 'start at 8:00, finish at 2:00' sort of thing. And sadly, I end up just wasting my time writing silly things like this, rather than studying.
I realized something a couple days ago. I realized that I'm going to be 19 in two and a half months. Seems like I've only been 18 for a short time. This year sure has flown by. I've always been so concerned with my future. So worried about finishing college as soon as possible. But, really, I don't know why I'm in such a huge hurry. I'm only 18, and yet I'm upset that I've not yet earned my BA. Perhaps it's because I know that I am capable of working harder and faster. I know I can do it, I just don't do it.
I've been thinking about Korea a lot recently as well. With Kevin over there, it sure does make me want to get over there all the more. But, I realized last week, that I do love living in America. Everyone seems to think that I dislike America and that I only ever want to live in Korea. But that's not true. I love America. But, for a time, I do want to live in Korea. It's going to be hard living in Korea for a long time, but, I feel that is what I'm being called to do. It's my dream. And I hope with every fiber of my being that it will be realized. But, for those of you that all of your close friends and family are in America, and you have no desire to live anywhere else, it really is not an easy thing having a dream like this. It's hard. You know on one hand that you definitely want to live in Korea, you have very close friends and even family there. But on the other hand, you also have very close friends and most of your family here. I know when I go to Korea I will greatly miss people here, and I know that after living in Korea for a couple years, I will have made very close friends there too. So when I come back to America, I will be reunited with old friends, but will be leaving new ones. It's not easy having your heart in two different places.
My plans seem to change every couple months. My original plan was to have my BA by Summer of '08. Obviously, that did not happen. Then my plan was to graduate by Summer of '09. But based on my current rate of studying, I don't think that will happen either. Now I'm shooting for Fall of '09, but that's only if I really get a move on and really dedicate myself to studying. If I can graduate at that time, then I'd be able to start getting all the paper work ready for getting my work visa for Korea. Then, at some point during the fall, I'd head over to Korea on my tourist visa to look for a job. I'd probably stay for a couple months, come back, finish up the paper work for my work visa, and eventually get it. If everything works as planned (which rarely seems to happen) I'd probably go back to Korea to work around March of 2010. Wow, that sure seems like a long way away. So many things can change during that time. After I work there for a year...who knows what could happen? Will I decide to renew my contract and commit to work for another year? Will I decide to pursue my masters from a university over there? Will I be called back home? If so, will I ever go back to living in Korea? Life holds so many surprises. And it seems even more so at this age and stage of my life. I know my dad is secretly (or not so secretly ^^) hoping I'll meet a guy and fall madly in love with him before I leave for Korea, so I'll have absolutely no desire to live in Korea and be separated from my "beloved." :P Personally, I'm not exactly in favor of that plan. ^^ But, my point being, while I may have plans now, there is no guarantee that those plans will remain the same. In fact, it is highly probable that they will change, in some way or another, they will be changed. I must trust God, and seek His will above all else. But, why does that seems so incredibly hard? | | |
| My mind and body have both been quite active the past several days. My mom and I are working on redecorating my room. As fun as that is though, it requires a ton of work. (Especially if you are like me and tend to keep every single thing that has some memory tied to it, no matter how small ^^) So I've been cleaning out my closet, desk, and drawers. And that is where my active mind comes in... Seeing all those things from my childhood, and reading all those sweet notes that I've received, has put me into a nostalgic state of mind. So many fun memories of when I was younger, so many things that made me laugh when I was reminded of a certain person or situation. I was also reminded of how I have been blessed beyond measure with dear friends and family. Although I may not have the privilege or immense pleasure of seeing them often (as some of them live in other parts of the country or world), I am still very blessed to know them and be loved by them. Also while I was cleaning up I came across my old laptop. I turned it on to see if there was anything I needed to get off it before I throw it away. I found an old document I had written over two years ago. As I read it, I was not only amused by my choice of words and the style of my writing, I was also intrigued by the content of the document. I had written it during a difficult time of my life, but somehow when I read it, I was not reminded of my pain, but rather of God's unending grace and love. Here is what I wrote:
"Who is this girl I see in the mirror? I do not know this girl, and I fear her story is not one of cheer. She looks sad. Her face is swollen from crying, and in her eyes one can detect a certain pain. Her heart has been broken. Many times. She was once a happy, care free child. But that all changed. Three years ago her life was turned upside down. And seems to remain upside down through to the future. Her heart was broken for the first time at the tender age of fourteen. A beloved family member no longer seemed to love or cherish her as he once had. She struggled. How could she live? How could she go on with such a burden? At first she was innocent, not fully understanding. But as it all became more real, and details were revealed, her innocency began to disappear. She struggled. She did not know what to do. So she did what was natural. She began to ignore and lash out in turn at the hurtful one. That not only hurt him, but it also hurt herself. Soon the once glowing, dancing eyes, were darkened. She knew pain one never would have thought possible. Then she slowly began to learn of a forgiveness, a forgiveness unimaginable. To forgive the hated one? To treat him as if he had never forsaken her? How was it possible? But she learned to forgive. Slowly the forgiveness was demonstrated in her life. The girl's heart was healing. Ever so slowly, but she began to smile more often, and sometimes her laugh could be heard dancing through the house. However, the beloved family member continued to forsake her. He continued to treat her as if she didn't really matter. Yet the girl knew, she knew she had to keep forgiving him. No matter what. Time passed. She struggled. She wondered if her heart would ever be completely whole again. She wondered if the beloved would ever love her again. Then came a time when she thought she could go on no longer. It had been two and a half years. Could she keep forgiving? Could she forever act as if nothing was wrong? She struggled. She broke. The girl could no longer hug the beloved like she once did, she could no longer say I love you as she once had. The darkness began to inhabit her heart once again. She didn't know what to do. To have the darkness consume her would be worse than being forsaken as at the first. She could not bare it. She struggled. Yet what was she to do? Could she forgive him again? Could she go on another two years like this? She struggled. She had to rediscover that forgiveness that seemed so amazing. She had to relearn how to love. So she picked herself back up again. She knew her heart would begin to heal again, and it would be broken again. She knew it would begin to heal yet another time, and again would be broken. But I have no choice. I must keep going. I must relearn how to love."
It's amazing how God works. When I wrote this, I didn't think it possible to feel more pain than I did at that time. But God's love and healing power works wonders.
Now, if I could only discover once again His greatness and feel His presence...
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